Hey guys.
I haven’t sat down to talk my shit, decompress, share, or just rant and be soft with you guys in a minute.
This past Wednesday? Hell on earth. A cosmic joke. Chaos in flats.
I had errands to run. Missed a meeting (which I’ve made peace with, so please no judgment), and also had to take someone’s phone to the repair shop. Not my phone. Not my issue. But this man was too lazy to handle it, and my people-pleasing heart said, “Sure, I got it.” (Sigh.)
On my way back, just vibing through Lekki-Ikoyi Bridge, my car overheats. Yes. In the middle of the bridge. Yes, I panicked. Yes, I almost cried. Thank God paradise was with me and helped push it sideways such a Man Because honestly? I don’t even know what I would’ve done.
So that was that. But I also got new perfumes, and got a hair i ordered
And then I watched the Forever series on Netflix.
Everyone’s been raving about it on TikTok, and I had been dodging it like a bullet. I thought it’d be cringe. I hate overly lovey-dovey things. I am a sucker for love don’t get me wrong but watching love play out in picture-perfect fiction sometimes just reminds me that… I’ve never been loved the way I think I deserve to be.
Weird, right?
But the series? The series spoke. Like actually whispered through time and said, “Hey, 16-year-old you I see you.”
It reminded me of when I was 16, deep in my first relationship. We broke up when I was 18, and that pain? That heartbreak was a villain origin story. It crushed me. Watching the characters grow apart not because they didn’t love each other, but because they had to grow separately that was what broke me.
It just made so much sense like how you can meet someone, love someone, and still have to grow separately. How you’re developing and evolving, and the person you’re with doesn’t even see it as growth they just see change. And it throws them off balance. But for you, it’s just… evolution. You know?
Because nobody talks about how hard it is to grow with someone who’s also still figuring themselves out. Nobody prepares you for the moment your growth is perceived as distance instead of development.
I was sobbing. Like snot-nose crying. It dragged me right back to my younger self, trying to understand why love could feel so big but break so easily.
I mean, I love those stories where people say they grew with their partners. But it’s rare. And it’s hard. Finding yourself while dating someone else who’s also trying to find themselves? It’s messy.
And maybe I still don’t get it. I’m 21 now, and half the time I’m still just floating, trying to find direction. But I do know this: healing looks a lot like learning to do better than what you were shown.
For me, love has always been a sensitive issue. I’ve always seen it in this weird, complex way love. I felt it in the hugs, the meals, the prayers. But I never saw romantic love in my parents. Not the sweet, soft, “I choose you every day” kind of love.
I’ve got the love of family. I’ve got the love of friends. I’ve got the kind of love where my mom would literally hold me while I cry for no reason and not even ask questions. But I’ve never seen that romanticlove. And that absence? It shaped me. That image never lived in my house. And I think that shaped me in ways I’m only just unraveling.
There’s this thing I always say: the way you experience love at home is the way you show love to others. And a lot of times, it feels like I’m fixing bruises I didn’t even cause. But I still do it. Because I want better. For myself, and for whoever I love next.
But I’ve made it my mission to break the pattern. To not just repeat what I saw, but to repair what it did to me. I’ve patched wounds that weren’t mine to carry. I’ve worked so hard to be a better lover than the blueprint I was handed.
And I think that’s something I’m proud of.
In every relationship I’ve been in talking stage, situation-ship, whatever I’ve made sure no one can say I was the problem. If we argued, I communicated. I explained my feelings. I gave solutions. I offered compromise without shrinking. Because yes, I compromise, but I do not tolerate disrespect. That’s the balance I’ve learned. That’s the line I won’t cross.
And maybe that sounds narcissistic. Maybe it sounds like I think I’m perfect. But I promise you it’s not ego. It’s effort. It’s knowing I worked to be this emotionally mature.
Watching that series? It made me realize I’m still healing. Still grieving things I thought I’d let go of. Still 16 sometimes, trying to make sense of what love should feel like.
But here’s the best part of it all the real reason I’m writing this:
My mom.
My mom has always been my soft place to land. When I’m drowning, she notices. When I go silent, she hears it. I can walk into her room and cry without words, and she’ll know. She just knows. That kind of love? That kind of presence? It’s priceless.
There’s this quote from the series “This is the time where you can go through things because you have a village around you.” And I do. My village is small but mighty. My mom? She’s my strongest pillar. I’m crying as I type this, because words aren’t even enough.
Even on the days I feel lost, or behind, or broken, I know she sees me. That’s enough to keep me going.
I know I said a lot. I’m sorry. It’s 2AM and I came downstairs to record this my dog’s scratching the door because she thinks I’m missing. But I needed to let this out. Maybe someone else needed to read it.
I have a party on Saturday. I’ll probably do my hair later today. I’m a little nervous I don’t want my curls to drop.
If you read this far, thank you. And if you’re feeling a little heartbroken, a little overwhelmed, or a little confused about who you are I see you. You’re not alone.
hope you all have a beautiful weekend.
This series made me really sad, so I’m trying to get out of the bubble.
I’ll get my hair done. I’ll pick myself up. I’ll say, fuck it, and I’ll keep going.
Ciao ciao.